Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Back from vacation, and let's blog. I had a blast with my brother and my closest friends. There truly is nothing like the cruise. We'll be getting into the aforementioned cruise in the next blog, but as you can probably surmise by the title of this blog is going to follow mostly my adventure of getting to Newark Liberty airport. Let's begin at the beginning.

Worked last Friday and Saturday evening and made some nice cash. This cash will be my spending money on the cruise, mainly for gambling, jet skis, gambling, some duty free liquor, and also gambling. Now my flight leaves Newark Liberty on 10/19 at 6:30 am. Typically, I'm a die hard supporter of Air Tran, and I will now tell you why. I fly a lot. Really, a considerable amount for a guy who does whatever the hell it is I do. Having said that, I can only speak from personal experience in that I've never had a serious problem with Air Tran. They are always friendly at the check in counter, they'll often try to get you on an earlier flight if there's room without any fees, and if you're going to be late for a flight, they will give you an honest answer as to if you will get on the flight (mainly so you can save $50-$75 in change over fees). Now think about that. A company more concerned with my happiness as a consumer rather than getting a few extra bucks. The one time I did have a problem with Air Tran, I got bumped from my flight, but they were very apologetic about it and gave me a free roundtrip ticket anywhere in the U.S. to make up for it AND they got me on the next available flight. Problem solved, moral of the story, I love Air Tran.

I am flying Continental on this day. I am flying Continental at 6:30 in the morning out of Newark. I live in Manhattan. What's my solution? Plan ahead of course. I have my money, suitcases are packed, I don't go to sleep, I grab a quick shower then a sandwich from the corner deli and leave for Newark airport. Oh, I forgot to mention, I left my place at 165th and Broadway at 2:30 am to make a 6:30 flight to Miami. I think 4 hours is ample time to get from Manhattan to Nework, even in the wee hours of the morning. The following unfolded.

I take the A train (late on Saturday night means it runs local, which means it hits every stop on the C line). I'm entertained by an insane woman's ranting/what can be described as an attempt at singing. Actually, I'm not really entertained, I more or less tolerate/ignore her. Fortunately, the dumb ass teenagers (i.e. the only people on the planet who actually laughed at movies like "Meet the Spartans" and "Disaster Movie") thought it'd be a hoot to egg her on to keep singing. Yeah, attention will most certainly make this nut job stop. Good strategy. I finally get off at 34th St. Penn Station to take a NJ Path train over to the Garden State. From my earlier research, there's a Path train that's $2 that takes you to Newark Airport, and a shuttle taking you to the actual airport. Got all that so far? Sounds simple enough, there's demand for flying out of Newark, so let's have a train running all hours of the night. Before I make the transfer to train number 2 for the morning, let me pass on this bit of info. If you're walking through Penn Station with suitcases, just get ready to have the ever living #$#@ bugged out of you by every cabby.

Random cab guy: "Hey hey, hey guy, where you go? You need cab?"
Brian: "No man, I'm good, thank you."
RCG: "But where you go, I take."
Brian: "Really, I have it under control, I do appreciate your offer."
RCG: "You go to airport, I get you there 10 minute, 10 minute."
Brian: (not sure if he means 10 minutes or 10 minutes twice, equalling 20 minutes, and forever regretting I opened my mouth to the guy) "How much to Newark airport?"
RCG: "Newark 60, I take for 60."
Brian: "Thanks but I think I'm fine."

It finally took me telling the guy I wasn't willing to pay more than $20 to get from Penn Station to Newark airport, which made him leave in disgust, all though I do appreciate his willingness to shout out lower numbers in a feigned attempt to haggle. Another dude started to follow me up the escalator, and I told him I was good, but finally, I was too cranky to be bothered.

Random Cab Guy 2: "Nah nah, it's cool man, just where you headed?"
Brian: (beginning to really lose his patience) "I'm headed to the end of this escalator. I decided to pack up some personal belongings and take myself on a nice little trip to this escalator, and I'm good. Mission accomplished."
RCG2: ..........

So, I leave cabby heaven and head 2 blocks to where the Path train is and buy my ticket. I get on a train that leaves promptly, but not before getting instructions from a police officer who told me Newark was the last stop. FYI, the train takes you to Newark Penn Station, not to Newark airport like the MTA website suggested. It's quite possible I wasn't really paying attention, who knows, but we'll keep going. I take my second train until the last stop, only to be told that I need to transfer to another train that takes me to another stop in Newark. Talk about convenience. This third train took me to another stop, where I purchased a $7 ticket directly to Newark airport one stop away. However, that train wasn't scheduled to get there until 5:30 am. Awesome, I think to myself, or maybe out loud, who really knows at this point. I take the New Jersey Transit train one stop to Newark Liberty airport, thinking to myself, OK, it's now 5:40, I'm here, I have 1 bag to check, I'm still good. Oh wait, now I need to take an Air Train over to the actual airport. So we're already at 3 trains, plus the last train that took me to my current position and now an Air Train on top of that, bringing us to a grad total of 5 trains. Of course, that takes it's sweet ass time as well. Oh, and the Air Train picks you up at one station, only to drop you off at another station to wait on yet another train (6...6 f'ing trains to get to Newark airport from the "City that Never Sleeps"). Finally, I ask the guy as I'm awaiting my 6th train the following:

Brian: "Hey man, I don't want to seem rude, but I'm trying to catch a flight, how far of a walk is it to the terminal?"
Guy: (breathing deeply and looking with squint-eyed concentration at the terminal)"...hmm, maybe 10 minutes or so."
Brian: (after waiting for 17 minutes for train number 6) "Seriously, 10 minutes? Cause I really don't mind walking that."
Guy: "Yeah, but it is kind of cold. Oh, here comes the train now." (For the record, it was only 55 degrees).

I board the traing wondering how in the hell it's taken me over 3 hours to go roughly 8 miles from where I live. I'm beginning to think that I could've walked it in less time, and I'm not joking. I find the Continental check in desk, and of course there is a line. I told one of the people assisting that I need to catch a 6:30 flight to Miami and I have to check a bag. She immediately got me to a rep, and I'm starting to feel good about Continental.

Brian: "Hi, I tried to check in and it won't let me board. I know I'm running late, but I left at 2:30 this morning, I'm very tired and I just want to check my 1 bag and get on the plane." (I had 2 bags total)
Lady behind the Counter: (comibned look of shock and contempt) "Oh, you're not getting on that flight, you're late." I might be able to get you on a 12:00 flight, which you'll be standby, but it's more likely I can get you out this afternoon."
Brian: (not doing a good job of hiding his frustration) "I really appreciate the offer, but it simply won't work. I'm leaving on a cruise at 3:30 from Miami, and if I don't get on a flight before 11:00 am, I will literally miss the boat. I'm not trying to be mean to you, but I've had a tremendously frustrating time getting here, and I'd greatly appreciate any help you can offer." (Verbatim of what I said).
Counter: "Hold please.....here (handing me a ticket), I got you on a 7:00 am flight to Ft. Lauderdale."
Brian: "I really can't thank you enough. Thank you!"

I think anyone would be pretty frustrated at that point, so I was pretty justified. However, she didn't seem to happy with me, and I immediately was flagged as a "security threat." Oh this is going to be awesome. Most of you know my feeling on the TSA. If you don't, well, here it is: they do just as good a job as any post office or DMV worker.

So I go through their little tests, have wind blown all over me, a guy snaps his glove at me and asks me to take off my belt with my cool belt buckle, I think he means something else, and he didn't appreciate my joke about being gentle, and now I can finally board my plane.

3 hours later, I touch down in Ft. Lauderdale. I go to baggage claim, and I'm fortunate to know that my luggage is not there. I go to the Continental Luggage office, and they ask me if I'm sure. I'm losing all patience at this point as I look around the room and say, "nope, not here."

Other Lady: "Well, it should be. It says so in the computer."
Brian: (thinking to himself) "Oh thank God the computer says that and I'm wrong, because I still don't have my bag!!!"

Finally they inform me it's on the next flight (I'll save you some time...it wasn't). So now I'm kind of freaking out a tad because I'm really particular about my stuff getting lost. Continental was ever so kind to offer 10% off any future Continental flight and a free drink on the flight. Awesome, scratch paper because I'm not flying on your airline again!!! Finally, my luggage turns up (2 and half hours later), and I take a bus over to Miami from Ft. Lauderdale. At this point, I'm pretty attached to my stuff and I don't want it leaving my sight. We drop the first set of passengers off, then our group (those riding on the Valor). Do I have to tell you what happened next? Let me lay out a few options:

A) Brian gets a message saying he booked a national commercial that shoots when he gets back
B) Brian finds a $100 bill in his seat
C) Carnival misplaces the luggage Brian watched them put on the bus

If you guessed C, you're seeing the pattern of how my day went. The bus driver was kind enough to drive me back over to the other port, and of course I fear the worse as some goof ball thinks my luggage looks like his or hers, or some careless porter just takes it and puts it with the others and starts to load it on the other ship. As luck would have it, I got my stuff back and was ready to finally check in for Cruise '08. Oh, and for those wondering about Kevin's trip down. He got bumped to first class and got to the boat way before I did. Unfortunately, his free bump to first class included the seat with too much leg room. Next they probably ran out of macadamia nuts for his hot fudge Sunday, and he probably got digits from a gorgeous model who likes to spend lots of money on her boyfriends. So that concludes getting down there. I should get some pics of the week in a few days, so we'll leave you here now and waiting with antici...............pation.